Crying seems to be my last resort; be it the reason foolish and trivial. My reasoning can never be of logic. It can never be. Here I am - almost lifeless - crying my heart out, listening to JaeJoong's latest rock solo. His voice filled with pain, as if trying to get determination and hope reach out of the surface. Here I am, letting tears drop near my laptop with no fear of damaging the internals, wishing so hard that I was there in front of him. With the large number of deafening screaming audience, screaming my heart out with them. I wish so much that I could be.
I think the pressure from the exams is getting to my head. I need him, no, not Jaejoong, but him. I want to talk to him. Make him listen to me complain and whine like a 5 year old. I need him to listen to me, coax me out of my I-don't-know-if-it's-depression-or-stress. I feel so weak, again. I don't need this, much less at this critical time.
If time is reversable I should be at Asia Song Festival yesterday. I should be drowned in the resonant sounds of the deafening music booming from the huge stereos. I should be crying seeing Jaejoong in front of me. I should have been there. But, much to my distaste, I was not. I could be at PREMIUM Mini Live. But, it's just that, no.
(sigh)
Everything is so fuzzy now. My mind seems to be, brainwashed. Things are just a mesh of everything I was thinking of and into a puddle of weirdly-coloured goo.
I always feel something tugging inside me whenever I hear Jaejoong's voice, but whenever it's him the feeling is different from what I would feel if it's Jaejoong. Haha. What the hell am I talking about? It's not like I am in love with Joongie that lot. Why would I feel stronger for the other him? Be it another case of temporary attraction, please I beg you God. Let it be like that.
Oh dear god, I'm jumping from one problem to another then to another.
If you trust me, would you still consider me as your friend? Even after what I might confess, would you push me and throw me away like a rag doll, and never talk to me again? Would you? The thought of that already sends shivers down my spine. I hope not. I so very hope not.
T-minus 17 hours and some minutes till the exam tomorrow. I should continuing cramming everything right now.
Let's hope for the best, and push aside the negative thoughts. I will live through this, I will live through this, I think I will live through this.Labels: angsty, exams, random crap, rant
The final examinations had just started today, and my subject for today was EAS(paper 2). Firstly, I'd be lying if I said it was great. It sucked. Badly.
I had a plot in mind when I saw the question I was destined to write, however due to the time limit my hand grabbed the pen and began to wiggle on the piece of paper. In other words, I didn't know what I was writing, despite a plot progressing in mind. Yes I am a loser. Beat me. (Beat me hard. *breathes*)
What I had written down on my examination paper was fulla crap. And I write like a sissy primary schooler. I used a lot of "I's", "he", "him", "the man" and such, which explains why my paper was five pages worth of (censored) crap.
"I punched Sam in the face, and he cried and begged me to stop bullying him. When I woke up - this was obviously a dream, because nothing so ludicrous could ever happen in real life - Sam was already standing there, because he can read dreams, and he beat my ass for the next three days. I have to say I deserved it."
That was supposed to be part of the story but bearing in mind the markers don't like violent humour, I didn't. I wanted to, but can't. Because I don't think these people wanted to know whether one of their students are capable of writing such black humour slash violence. Well, boo you.
I once tried, during highschool, and the teacher gave me a fat ugly D.
There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and my piece of writing in the EAS exam. I mean it. It's that bad.
I want to cry... out of boredom.
I want to scream... out of fulfilment.
I want to kill... because Smint told me to.
Very frustrating it was the paper. I've written full four pages back-to-back and a few lines on a new one. And it was about a man who can see spirits and -- an exceedingly beautiful ghost, which was named "Boo" by the guy. Around the end, when Sam(that's the guy's name. Yes, I am very uncreative.) finally saw Boo's appearance when after months staying in his new apartment Boo finally materializes. I deliberately wanted to write boyxboy romance. But I had to jet to write section B which I haven't finished(most of us didn't.). I'm sick. I'm sick and twisted. And that's how I roll.
Upon the finish line I had a little accident. Twice. But thanks to Zimah and some others who helped, I managed to go home safely.
Tomorrow's gonna be hell for me. Sociology paper will waiting for me to scribble all types of accurate, correct, factuals facts that my mind could make up. And factually flunk the paper. Oh yes.
Oh right, you all know that the Maths paper(P1 and P6 together) is all on the same day, along with ELiterature. Both. In one day. Have I mentioned that it's both P1 and P6? And Literature too. On the same day.
Anyone wants to form an angry mob and protest in front of the SA office? Okay, form an orderly line, queue up and let me pencil you in.
Labels: daily life, exams
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