Sometimes if I could I'd go back in time when I first saw his adorable face when he pouted in frustration. That first time when things were in all kinds of wrong. I wished I didn't know him and her. I wished my cousin didn't introduced me to her ex best friend. I wished I had failed my O levels and be stuck in STPRI instead of going to MD.

That wretched college had ruined me. It changed me to something else. A friend of mine was right. This college had brought to a significant change to everyone we knew in our former school. The school where no boys were there to make us swoon upon looking at them, no one to hate in reason of a guy, and there'll always be a sense, even though it's faint, there'll always be a sense of brotherhood or taking the school in consideration, a sense of sisterhood. The unity. How m=I miss those days. Makes me want to go back in time.

Back then I thought I was strong. Emotionally. But this college proved me wrong.

A friend told me that she didn't want to change but that time I was against it. However now, I see her way of thinking. I don't want to change. Not to a girl who cries in a corner, her back facing the crowd and only to use a happy mask when she faces the world. No, I don't want to be like that anymore. I want to be how I was; "one-faced". I don't like being two-faced. I've grown out of lying. Lying only brings me to more complication, and sometimes I lied too much that I couldn't differentiate which one is the truth and which one is a lie.

This world asks for too much. The inhabitants wants to be accepted even if it means to lie and feign their real identity. As I look back at what I've done, I was always smiling. A fake smile. One of my many masks. I feigned smiles too many times that I've come to master it. It's disgusting. To express false emotions. There are times when I felt so disgusted at myself that whenever I smile the fake smile it came out a bit tight and forced.

Fake and false emotions are very well praticed wround the females. Especially the older ones in ceremonies or whatever formal events. They tend to ask how tehir lives had been doing and the other would answer 'Ah my daughter would be expecting a new baby this end of the month' even though that 'daughter' had a big number of children and people grew bored of listening of these... good news. The female who asked would feign a fake smile and a fake laughter with emotions that barely passed by her thick makeup. Whenever I see that, I just feel disguested. I cringe in disgust inwardly.

Wait what was the main thing I wanted to say? Ah yes. That bitch and Nazim. And knowing the truth. So therein I will try to stop all my stalking activities once and for all. I'll delete all their pictures from my camera and my laptop. I will try as hard as I might to reel my concentration toward studies or at least try.

And here's a last unknown message to you Nazim : "Fuck. Off. Go ahead prance around in your own gay meadow of mushy happiness you bastard. And hear this, don't expect me to sideway-look at you, glance at you or even give a single microscopic damn about me, you gay bitch!"

A message to Maj : "It goes without saying how much I've disliked you ever since primary 4 and now I hate you more than I did hate some people! If there's anything I could do in the whole world is to REarrange your face."

And to my other eyecandies : "I have to let you all go. Jie Ming(yes I am very much aware that I yet again exposed his name in this blog) you're cute and all but I want my old self back. And to the other 'minion' eyecandies you guys don't excite me as much as before so a HUGE BOO to you."

Now that I've officially declared that I'm eyecandy-less I need my friends back. And come to think of it ever since I was on an eyecandy craze I haven't thought of my friends at all. It was always him, him, him, etc. I've pushed the thoughts of friends aside to a far far corner in my mind. And only think of them when I wasn't in the mood of being a crazed fangirl.