Crying seems to be my last resort; be it the reason foolish and trivial. My reasoning can never be of logic. It can never be. Here I am - almost lifeless - crying my heart out, listening to JaeJoong's latest rock solo. His voice filled with pain, as if trying to get determination and hope reach out of the surface. Here I am, letting tears drop near my laptop with no fear of damaging the internals, wishing so hard that I was there in front of him. With the large number of deafening screaming audience, screaming my heart out with them. I wish so much that I could be.
I think the pressure from the exams is getting to my head. I need him, no, not Jaejoong, but him. I want to talk to him. Make him listen to me complain and whine like a 5 year old. I need him to listen to me, coax me out of my I-don't-know-if-it's-depression-or-stress. I feel so weak, again. I don't need this, much less at this critical time.
If time is reversable I should be at Asia Song Festival yesterday. I should be drowned in the resonant sounds of the deafening music booming from the huge stereos. I should be crying seeing Jaejoong in front of me. I should have been there. But, much to my distaste, I was not. I could be at PREMIUM Mini Live. But, it's just that, no.
(sigh)
Everything is so fuzzy now. My mind seems to be, brainwashed. Things are just a mesh of everything I was thinking of and into a puddle of weirdly-coloured goo.
I always feel something tugging inside me whenever I hear Jaejoong's voice, but whenever it's him the feeling is different from what I would feel if it's Jaejoong. Haha. What the hell am I talking about? It's not like I am in love with Joongie that lot. Why would I feel stronger for the other him? Be it another case of temporary attraction, please I beg you God. Let it be like that.
Oh dear god, I'm jumping from one problem to another then to another.
If you trust me, would you still consider me as your friend? Even after what I might confess, would you push me and throw me away like a rag doll, and never talk to me again? Would you? The thought of that already sends shivers down my spine. I hope not. I so very hope not.
T-minus 17 hours and some minutes till the exam tomorrow. I should continuing cramming everything right now.
Let's hope for the best, and push aside the negative thoughts. I will live through this, I will live through this, I think I will live through this.Labels: angsty, exams, random crap, rant
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