you innards have a pleasant aftertaste.
I cried "corn beef" in a demonic voice in front of people I'd just met. If that tells you anything about me...
Other than that, the name is Nabilah Johari who goes by her days embarrassing friends with her shameless antics.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled dull life for an interlude of OH MY GOD NEW BLOG POST.

A thousand years after I left this blog to collect dust and I finally wrote a new post (You can thank the pestering of Fakhri). I'd also like to inform everyone that it is Dzar's birthday today! And one of my best buds's birthday is the day after: Dk Nurul Izzati Hazimah binti Pengiran Abd Rahman! (Not entirely sure about her dad's name though...)

I am out of my element.

It feels awkward to blog, really.


This blog post is dedicated to Fakhri Alauddin, because he was the one who wanted me to choose to blog over working on my assignments. I had no choice, really. It is either I blog or he would not study for his exam tomorrow today within some hours of this day.

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People don't change, they lie.

Blog! I've been neglecting you, sorry! Life just got really busy all of a sudden. (Perhaps most embarrassing is that my reaction to the sudden craziness wasn't "oh, my social life!" but "I AM FALLING BEHIND ON ALL MY DRAMAS, WHY, WHYYY").

Anyway, here comes another drama season! I'm amused to see the cross-dressing heroines from last season have grown up. This time it's all about middle-aged women and the wide variety of ways they become BAMFs. (I should mention that this is just about jdramas. I know we're all swingers for other countries now, but am in the middle of rediscovering jdramas)

- A housewife as mysterious problem solver
- A housewife who is secretly a spy
- A housewife becoming a detective
- An heiress becoming a detective
- A flight attendant becoming a bounty hunter

Apparently the theme for this season is "bitches getting ALL shit done." I APPROVE.

And now for something completely depressing!

As of late, I've picked up a disturbance in the force... and an obliquely directed hate-fest on me. There are a lot of things I could say about these things, but what consistently bowls me over is how hilariously belated they are, and "you" become a codename. But firstly I admit severing all ties with the closest of people sans warning is harsh and too abrupt... and plain stupid. I have no real explanation, just that I've been in a slump in general. I don't know! I keep trying things and find myself swirled into mild depression. Due to that I needed to be away from people. But I get it - I'm a jerk (doesn't bother me though).

From my side of the story, I snapped into a hermit phase after a lot of adverse episodes built up in too little space and time. A hermit was I; along the way I inadvertently sever ties, and I never tried to patch things up.

Taking that into account, let's count the ways it is impossible to be back where we once were:

1: We'll be as much as a band of strangers after reconciliation what before.
2: Considering the many times y'all bemoaned over the unfairness of my stupidity then it's pretty obvious which way the pendulum swung.
3: Hold your horses and think. I severed ties. I broke your trust on purpose. Which brings me back to...
4: We'll be as much as a band of strangers after reconciliation what before.
5: Talk me down all you want about cynicism and pessimism but don't you think things're gonna turn out awkward?

I'm just gonna come out and say it. Seeing the impossibility of reconciled friendship, the least I could do is to lend a hand here and give you some advice. Whether you choose to take it or not, it's simply up to you. I'm just helping out as a fellow being.

1: You can soften the blow life delivers, but once you find friends along the way, no matter how painful that situation may be, eventually you can survive it.
2: Take in the fear and the pain. Because pain makes you stronger and fear makes you braver. So do one thing everyday that scares you.
3: When people walk away from you, let them go, your destiny is never tied with anyone who leaves you, doesn't mean they are bad people, it just means that their part in your story is over.

Someone taught me that when you feel like there's no more and nothing left but the life you've broken, no regrets, no turning back and tell people that you're being you. Then I learnt that there's no point in crying over yesterday. Remember that always. Never apologise for being you. So I am not apologising for what happened.

(The friends I have now are all friends from years past. Don't go snappin' around sayin' new equals to ne(ver) w(ere). Now that just pisses me off. They're still dear to me.)

If y'all are hell bent in trying, I'd like to know at least five valid reasons as to why we could, else save the both of us the heartache.

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The "bishop" came to our church today. He was a fucking impostor... never once moved diagonally.

Virtual gift

To: nxxxxxxxxxxo

You're kind of an ass. Don't ever change!


My love for you is so deep I can only express it in freeverse poetry.


Can't understand how

Awesome you are—

No, not only awesome




Indescribably amazing, that's what you are!



And I'd just like to say--



Often, my love.

c a l l m e y o u;

sexy beast.

s I n CERly,


So I started on my pursuit of happiness! (queue BG music - 'I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold~') It's been going on for a couple of months but I'm getting there.

AND NOW I'M ALL 'TAKE CHANCES' AND 'LET'S HUMOUR OURSELVES AND COUNT THE STEPS TO SEE HOW HUGE TIME SQUARE IS'. And of course, by ourselves, I meant company and myself. Psssh! Gone are the standalone days.

On life, I was lectured a coupla days ago:

"There's more to life than winning trophies and studying for exams -- those things don't last forever. If you're happy with what you've got in the end, the ways and means mean absolutely nothing, hon."

A few hours later, I thought that her statement about happiness in the end is absolute bullshit. Flowery, Oscar Wilde-worthy bullshit. It's easy to say that the middle means nothing if you're enjoying yourself as it occurs, laughing as the present unfolds. If you're enjoying yourself in the present, surely you're going to be happier in the future than if the situation were reversed. That's just logic.

And as far as I can see, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. I know that I am not supposed to believe everything I see, but as someone who's trying to master the art of capturing what is seen, well, I hope that seeing is believing. Somewhat.

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Your heart is empty, empty, empty-y-y-y

Aaand I'm back! Again.

So I'd just like to preface this entry by beginning with my philosophy, because I think the reason people are so uncomfortable about the idea of unconditional love is because we grow up expecting this from the world, but the truth is that the love the world offers is full of conditions. We keep running around asking do you love me? and the world says, yes, I love you if you're pretty or yes, I love you if you're well-educated or yes, I love you if you're fucking rich and wild.

Yes, it is about that glorified L word.

When someone comes along and says I love you we keep waiting on the "if" and when it never comes, we back off, confused as hell because there are no conditions. People can't stand the thought of a love bigger than what the world has told them to believe in, so they turn on their heels and run away.

And then? you may ask. That's it. My genius has run its course for tonight.

All deep love-related philosophy aside, tonight I actually have a dinner to go to and since I still live with my parents, they get to decide whether I could go or not and painfully obviously I'm stuck at home. Ngh. I was really looking forward to Shabu-Shabu.

(I wish I knew how to make food other than appetizers. I whoop asses in soup-making.)

Okay, my blogging skillzz is rusty considering more than five times I've been stuck writing the next paragraphs, and what with tweeting on Twitter ever since the last entry I'm so used to think in 140 characters. To start slow, my muses in a nutshell:

  • You have to be careful with what you wish for.
  • Life events have become slightly colourful ever since I enrolled in MIC. Among other things, I've learnt that the excuse of being naive (feigned naivety and a touch of elusive) will only work for so long. Heh.
  • It would be nice if my arms tighten with lean muscles like it used to.
  • I am still contemplating, in all seriousness, whether to buy this self-help book: "How To Get Along With People". I'm still weighing the pros and cons.
  • My condolences goes to you and your family. Al-fatihah.

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I don't dislike Cassie. She's like Jesus. I like the person, but have quibbles with the fanclub.

Either I'm slowly spiraling into a constant state of paranoia as a result of repressed war trauma and memories of child abuse, or my room is haunted. :-?

I hear footsteps when lights are out. Hushed whispers outside my room. The door to my bathroom drift shut on their own. There has always been something stomping on the ceiling, thudding on the wall which in any case is not by a tree because there is not tree nearby for at least three stone's throw.


Although in its defense, yesterday I locked the door and I made sure of it then went to work but as I got back the door was ajar open. This morning it was past eight I was running late and I don't flip any switches off in my room but I did make sure my door was double locked. The door was still locked when I got back but the switch board was turned off. The exhaust fan too. But my room felt degrees warmer. Whatever it is I'm not sure its intentions but it sort of cares about the electric bills. A lot of times I drift to sleep without the lights and fan off. I wake up everything's turned off except the A/C system.

AM I GOING CRAZY? SLEEP WALKING? I ain't gonna put a hidden videocam in fear of something alike to Paranormal Activity! HELL NAAAAAAAH, MAN.

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unseen unspoken understood

At no point of my life had I been chirpy about meeting new people, intended or by chance. New people would result to having to open up and opening up really takes up bodily energy. I am not fond of pleasing one, wearing a mask to hide your true self from a new stranger. To please them. To please their eyes and ears. Pleasing with another thin layer of skin of fake smiles, empty laughter, meaningless conversations, a whole attitude that was never labeled your own. It's disgusting.

I want to live an honest life. Where I wouldn't have to be obliged to smile or laugh. Living free in sync of my heart and soul. We have as much rights as any person has and politeness is a conspiracy.

But our selfish nature would not be human if we aren't hypocritical. There's always a situation, a catalyst or a person where these do not apply. A clay model with limbs within ourselves sensitive to other more-than-soft-clay beings they call special, a heart so soft and vulnerable any more-than-soft-clay people could crush, mold and steal easily and so heartbreakingly. Heart, soul, body. These things would suffer less if the heart is stone.

That would be a wish too far fetched but a wish to read minds wouldn't be so hard. I want to live an honest life but I do sometimes wish to be a manipulative conniving sneaky jack.

In the end none of this ever matters or makes sense. I'm just a plaything. I'm only talking to thin air. I'm only just not the right material.


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I like cats too. Let's change recipes.

Hey! You! Do you like Thai music?

Bodyslam is one of my favorite Thai bands because their videos are completely incomprehensible. Apocalyptic futures, singing animals, travels down the bloodstream, underwater CGI, people made out of clouds... ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. By the time the ocean sprouts a giant eye, you're not even surprised.

The beautiful bromance between a blue squirrel and a green buck-toothed guitar-playing rabbit. Absurd? Absurdly ADORABLE.

I WASN'T KIDDING ABOUT THE TRIP DOWN AN ARTERY. Then the lead singer rides an airport luggage belt and de-ages into a baby... then he disintegrates a plane with the power of his mind... I DON'T EVEN KNOW.

A revolt against the police by a bunch of people made out of clouds. Then the girl starts flying and explodes into birds. Yes, into birds.

This one is actually pretty normal, by which I mean they only hallucinate once or twice. Have I mentioned how much I love this band? Because I really, really do.

LOLOL the things you find by accident.

Have you ever typed shit in Google just to see what searches are suggested?


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A day for firm decisions! Right?

WHO ELSE WATCHED THE LOST PREMIERE? My reaction was pretty much one prolonged scream, sometimes orgasmic, sometimes in denial. I don't know how you people did this for five seasons, I'm already going crazy.


I swear, the only thing better than watching LOST is watching other people watch LOST.

(Sawyer never learns the value of a shirt. It's wonderful.)


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I left this blog to dust didn't I.

There is a reason as to why Twitter is a mini-blog in theory, and without you realising you've become attached to "tweeting" instead of blogging. Secondly I recycle pieces of paper with my ramblings -- when it gets too long I find myself writing on my diary planner.. which is totally an awesome thing and is not a diary, but a planner. SWEAR.

Imma take this chance to congratulate my homie - Zee Rahman - on her flying colours! Yowza!

My cousin called on a Monday afternoon and said, "Hello, you have half an hour to make yourself presentable to me before I come and drag you and my annoyingly indecisive younger brother to the movies. Do not attempt to resist. Afterwards, when your ribcage is bruised from the aforementioned brother's insistent pokes in an obvious attempt at assassination, I will take great delight in forcing you to accompany us to Melda's and making wayward comments concerning your health and weight because I am convinced you have an eating disorder. You will try to sway me with your fancy words, your claims that you have already consumed a meal prior to my spontaneous arrival, but I know better! I know the truth! Eat a fucking brownie, child!"

She doesn't know what she's talking about, I mean, c'mon, I eat like I have a blackhole for a stomach.

That was a good segue right? :>

Oh cool, I've just been retweeted thrice! What a day. Yes, my friends, what a mundane dull braincell-reducing life I lead. Next post I will be updating you with my misadventures in ITB! Or better, a failed match against a newbie in squash!


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Spoilers! Spoilers!


God, it's been hours since I finished and I am still wrecked. WRECKED. The ending went beyond tragic and into this horrifying emotional bleakness I can't even begin to fathom. It was so overwhelmingly hopeless -- usually with sad endings I'm able to think "if only they'd done X instead of Y" and I can imagine happy AUs in my head -- but here there was nothing to change. IRIS was always going to win.

From annebeans:

I cannot help but think and replay in my head what will happen after the last minute of the drama. Seung Hee waiting by that lighthouse, eager and happy and slowly getting puzzled and worried not seeing him. And calling his phone and nobody picking up, and growing more and more panicky. And then driving off, to look for him, and seeing his car on the road, and finding him there, dead, with a ring for her.

My God.

That is horrific.

Losing him a second time, knowing it was her defiance of IRIS that got him killed -- honestly, I would've preferred a double-death or even suicide. Anything rather than this hanging knowledge of what's waiting for her in the car. I can't even... it just makes me so depressed.

God, I keep scrolling up to his face and seeing the weariness there, the helplessness of only being able to watch her from a distance as he dies.

When you think about it, they pretty much never had a chance -- Seung Hee was the NSS founder's daughter, Hyun Joon's parents were nuclear physicists working on the wrong project at the wrong time -- their paths were inevitable from the moment they were born. They couldn't even have been pig farmers if they wanted, not with Baek San puppeting their strings. This is a whole new definition of doom. This is a whole new stratosphere.

Other thoughts on eps 16-20 (I'm trying to stay coherent but I reserve the right to burst into tears and start wailing "HYUN JOON!!!!" at random intervals):

Sa Woo managed to break my heart in the end. I started crying (and then never stopped) when he redeemed himself and tossed Hyun Joon that clip and smiled -- there was so much joy in it -- taking on the bad guys together like old times. I should've known as soon as they started smiling in a gunfight it would end in tears. ;________; It killed me how he finally took responsibility in the one moment it would've been okay not to. He'd always justified and rationalized and blamed others for his fall from grace, but it was his last moments, when he could've allowed himself the comfort of happy memories, that he finally owned up to what he'd done and how he'd hurt his best friends. It was the slow slide that really got me -- happy BFF funtimes, then the building resentment, remembering them kiss while he looked on, then flash after flash of all the horrible things he'd said and done. Choking on blood to get out "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Oh, Sa Woo.

Sun Hwa, as always, was pure class. I loveloveloved the goodbye between her and Hyun Joon in ep 17. I'm used to secondary women as ruthless harpies who don't care if the hero is crying blood by the time they get him (as long as they get him). I thought it was very refreshing and adult that Hyun Joon and Sun Hwa parted on good terms with mutual understanding. It seemed clear some part of Hyun Joon did love her (or at least could have) but they both understood that with Seung Hee back in the picture it would never happen, so Sun Hwa gracefully took her leave and Hyun Joon didn't try to insult her with empty platitudes or promises. You go, guys! Look at you acting all mature like real adults.

I know it's terrible of me but I kinda lol'ed at T.O.P killing tech girl. It was just another moment of IRIS realism, so rare in other dramas -- no, the handsome assassin isn't really in love with you, he's a sociopath who will snap your neck when you're of no further value.

One of the things that stuck with me is how Hyun Joon consistently refused to become a monster, yet it didn't actually help him sleep at night. There were so many solemn warnings about slippery slopes and gazing into the abyss and etc etc but Hyun Joon always rose above it and you'd think karma would cut him a break every once in awhile. CLEARLY THAT WAS TOO MUCH TO ASK. Even when he did everything right, it still hurt. Turning the other cheek only haunted him. Sparing Baek San's life was only fodder for future regrets. Even when the terrorists were dead and Seung Hee was alive and everything seemed to go back to normal, he was still PTSD'ing on a bustling street and clinging to Seung Hee like a lifeline -- it broke my heart when she disappeared for less than a day (a day!) and he called her over and over and when she finally reappeared he was almost shaking with relief. Even if Seung Hee soothed the nightmares, love alone couldn't fix him. He was so incredibly, incredibly messed up, and it was all the more heartbreaking because he stubbornly refused to become what everyone predicted. He was a good man, and it still wasn't enough in the end.

(I'm pretty confident he was only killed as a message to her. He'd been all up in IRIS's business and they never came after him, not even when he was plotting revenge on one of their own, not even when they knew he had access to their secrets, like their member list on the USB drive they sent TOP to retrieve. They had two years to go after him but didn't. He was only killed after Seung Hee refused to join/didn't follow orders. That screams message to me.)

I keep coming back to the inevitability of everything, how things were pretty much set in stone after IRIS moved on them. Because there was only ever two choices there. Refuse, and suffer the consequences, or be kept under IRIS' thumb and keep living the nightmare they were so desperate to escape. They should've just killed themselves, they were never going to have peace. I should stop watching so many samurai movies.

Musing on it... I keep saying "IRIS" like it's this faceless borg (I can't help it, it's just so much like the mob, THEY NEVER FORGET), but what if the sniper order came from Baek San?? He was only ever hospitalized, right? And Hyun Joon said himself that a man like that would never change, he should've killed him when he had the chance. What if Hyun Joon was prophecizing his own death? Maybe it's not the mysterious black cloaks of IRIS who wanted Seung Hee so badly, maybe it was just Baek San using them as justification. What if it was Baek San ordering a hit on his quasi-daughter's soon-to-be-fiancee??

I admit, when we first learned Seung Hee's connection to IRIS, I kinda snorted and thought "that's it?" I mean, Baek San paid for your college education so if he asked you to kill Hyun Joon you'd be in a real bind? Seriously? Buy him a fruit basket and move on.

Then I thought about Baek San's original order in ep four... how it would've gone to Seung Hee if Sa Woo hadn't taken it. Knowing what we do about the relationship between BS/SH/IRIS, if Sa Woo had been a loyal friend and refused... we might've been watching a much bloodier romance between Hyun Joon and Seung Hee.

Something pointed out by Mousie -- all these people died for the unification talks which may or may not come to anything. Even Hyun Joon didn't think they were worth it (if his conversation with the president is anything to go by). It reminds me of Capital Scandal, where you-know-who died to keep a secret that was made public in the very next episode. The futility and bitterness is just boggling. They didn't die for a noble cause and they won't be remembered except by those who knew them. It was just politics.

I want to believe Seung Hee will do what she did last time -- pick up the pieces of her life, rejoin NSS, and move on. I want to think if she can recover from his death once, she can do it again. Except I honestly don't believe it. Last time she had to be hospitalized. Last time she still had Sa Woo's shoulder to cry on and Baek San looking out for her. And last time she didn't think it was her fault. How do you recover from that?

I kinda wish the sequel would be about Seung Hee or Sun Hwa, or even both, getting mercilessly, passionately, implacably furious and bringing hell to IRIS's door. No redemption story or power of love or moral message about the real victims of revenge. Just one of them -- or both -- deciding to take IRIS the fuck down, and god forbid anyone standing in their way.

Wouldn't that be awesome?

I'm going to end this entry on that thought, rather than linger on Seung Hee waiting to find the car.

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